Cthulhu Would Ghost You (And Other Red Flags from the Old Gods)

A dating column for the doomsday romantics. Learn the signs that you’re falling for a shapeless void with commitment issues. (If he speaks in tongues, that’s not a love language.)

Filed under: Dating Disasters / Eldritch Entanglements / Absolutely Not Again……..maybe.

So you matched with a mysterious stranger who only speaks in riddles, radiates unknowable terror, and whose profile picture is just…a swirling void? Congrats, babe……..You’re dating an ancient cosmic entity.

Here are a few red flags to watch for when falling (or spiraling) into the arms of something that predates language:

🪐 1. He Lives in a Different Realm, But Wants You to Visit

He can materialize in your dreams, but can’t text you back. Sounds like a commitment-phobe with a pentagram on his mattress.

📜 2. You’re Not His Girlfriend, You’re His Mortal Vessel

He doesn’t introduce you to his cult. You’re just the host body for his return. You deserve someone who sees you as more than just a prophecy, pointing my finger at you “King Paimon”.

🦑 3. He Gaslights, Gatekeeps, and Literally Mind-Bends

Your reality warps every time you’re near him, and now you can hear colors and taste time. Not cute. That’s psychic manipulation, queen.

🖤 4. He’s Emotionally Unavailable (Because He’s Trapped Between Dimensions)

It’s giving: “I’m working on myself in the void right now.” Okay but who isn’t? You can’t fix him, and he’ll drag you into madness if you keep trying.

🌕 5. You Keep Ending Up in Ritual Circles with His Exes

They all look like you. They all chant in unison. You are not special. You are just next.

Final Warning:

If his idea of a romantic date is whispering secrets that will shatter your sanity beneath a blood moon… RUN.

Or, at the very least, bring salt, iron, and an escape sigil.

🔮 Still summoning emotionally distant tinder horrors?

It might be time for a protection spell, some therapy, or a vacation far, far away from the edges of known space, I hear there is a pretty spooky cosmic artifact coming our way, maybe you can hitch a ride?!